


I Hate To See You Leaving (A Fate Worse Than Dying)

by WinterWandering



Series: I Heard There Was A Special Place [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Light Angst, Suicidal Thoughts, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27493384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterWandering/pseuds/WinterWandering
Summary: He hid it well- at least, he thought he did.title from Wilbur Soot's Jubliee Line
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & TommyInnit, Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: I Heard There Was A Special Place [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2011918
Comments: 30
Kudos: 869





	1. Maybe I Could Wake Up And Feel Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this day wasn't bad, right?
> 
> title from Wilbur Soot's Saline Solution

“Can you stop making jokes for one minute?!” Wilbur barked- and in a moment of idiocy, live on stream, Tommy shot a reply, scoffing. 

“It’s either that or face my feelings, Wilbur!” Tommy freezes. And chat goes wild- asking if he was okay. 

“Tommy-” 

Hastily, he speaks, blue eyes barely hiding fear. “I have to go. Bye Wilbur.” He ends the live, and clicks out of both the call and Minecraft. 

Muttering a curse under his breath, he sighs. “Damnit. Damnit, damnit. You idiot! Why would you say that?”

His phone pings as he gets a text. 

_ Oh. It was Wilbur...he was asking if they could call.  _

This was unavoidable, Tommy knew, so he sent a short sure, hopping onto the call- Oh. Techno and Phil were there. 

He slips a grin on, talking in a loud voice. “Hey Techno!”

“Tommy.” His monotone voice filters through the call. “Wilbur told us.”

“Are you alright?” That was Phil- the fatherly tone clear in his voice.

Laughing awkwardly, he spoke. “I’m alright! Wilbur didn’t need to tell you guys anything.” 

“Tommy. We’re worried for you- I only told Techno and Phil because of that.” 

He blinks, a feeling of happiness flickering through his chest.  _ They were worried about him? _ Just as quick as the happiness, the odd but normal sense of numbness swirled in his chest, and he sighed. “I’m alright guys.”

“Tommy-”

“Drop it Wilbur. Just-” There’s a second of hesitation from Phil, before he asks in that warm fatherly tone of his. 

“Tommy, are you okay?”

That’s what he needed, he thinks, breaking down. Concerned voices filtered through the line as he sobbed, sadness and numbness in one giant mess.

“Fuck.” The blond sniffles, wiping away free flowing tears. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Tommy, you just broke down…!” 

“I’m alright now, Wilbur.” His tone is upbeat, fake happiness laced throughout, his mind fuzzy with numbness. 

“Tommy.” Technoblade’s voice cut through the soft buzz, worry laced in his voice.  _ Huh. _ “Talk to us.”

“I’m fine, Techno!” His voice holds a note of laughter in it. “I’m fine.”

_ He wasn’t. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im projecting onto Tommy..whooops


	2. Wasting Your Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another bad day? okay.
> 
> Title from Wilbur Soot's Jubliee Line

Things were...worse, he supposed. (The numbness was back, for one) Flopping into his chair, Tommy sighed, slipping his headset on- he wasn’t going to stream today, although he would still be playing in the Dream SMP. He just...didn’t feel like streaming. 

“Hey Wilbur!” He grins as the call connects. 

“Tommy!” And- Wilbur’s voice sounds relieved? Why would he be relieved? 

“So-” Tommy rubs his palms together in mischief. “What are we doing today?” 

“Tommy, we need to talk. We’re worried.” 

His heart stops for a minute before he laughs almost nervously. “Wil, you’re on stream. We can’t exactly do that.” 

“I’m not on stream.” Wilbur sighs. Tommy blinks, breath stuttering in his throat. 

“...Wilbur.” Tommy’s voice is sharp with disbelief and covered panic. “You-”

“Tommy, we’re scared.”

“Who’s we?” 

“Techno, Phil, Tubbo and I.” Tommy lets a soft curse slip through his lips as tears spring up. 

“Look Wilbur. I’m fine.” He doesn’t let the brunette respond, trembling hands and blurry eyes ending the call and leaving the world. 

_ They shouldn’t be so worried about him. _

Choking back a sob, the blond pulls his headset off, placing onto the keyboard roughly. “Stop caring about me, damnit-” 

_ He wondered what it would be like if he just...died.  _

Blue eyes became wide with horror, and a soft whisper trailed from his mouth. “Where did- where did that thought come from?” 

“Tommy!? Are you alright?! I heard crying” 

_ What? He ended the call, right? _

Moving back over to his headset and slipping it on, he spoke, an always-there false cheerness underlying his tone. “I’m fine Wilbur.” 

“Tommy, you clearly aren’t...” His voice trailed off, worry threading through his tone. “Talk to us.” 

“Wilbur.” Tommy sighs, an odd sense of exhaustion coming over him as he talks. “Wilbur just...drop it.” 

The brunette on the other side of the line pauses before speaking again. “We’re meeting up soon- all of us in the Sleepy Boys I.N.C..”

Tommy perks up. “When?!” 

“We were thinking Saturday and Sunday? Then Techno would stay at my place, ‘cause his flight back isn’t until next Sunday.” 

“...where would we meet?” 

As Wilbur speaks, Tommy feels himself relaxing- and looking forward to Saturday. 

_ If his parents didn’t let him go, he could always sneak out. _


	3. You’ll Get That Feeling Deep Inside Your Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was meeting up with the others today...!
> 
> title from Wilbur Soot's Since I saw Vienna

Tommy grinned as the night sky sparkled above him- his parents hadn’t let him out, so...sneaking out it was. This was...actually the first time he felt truly alive in a while. A ping from his phone alerted him to a text. 

It was Technoblade- he was here. Chuckling softly, the blond types a short response, running quickly the rest of the way to the train station. 

“Techno!” He waves, a grin on his face as he runs up to the older man. 

“Tommy?” Techno frowns, his American accent standing out. “It’s the dead of night, why are you here?” 

Tommy winces internally, but plasters a grin on his face. “I was too excited to see you all!” The brunette frowns, and Tommy just... _ knows _ it didn’t work, but Techno just hums, placing an arm around his shoulders gently.

“Tommy, you can tell me anything.” Still in that monotone voice of his, Techno was clearly worried, a small frown on his face. 

_ Techno...cared about him? _

“There’s nothing wrong, Technoblade.” Tommy sighs softly, eyes darting down to the floor. “Don’t worry about me.”

-

“Tommy!” The call of Tubbo made him grin, and he darted over, hugging the younger tightly.

“Big T!” 

“Tommy...what’s going on?”  _ Oh. So Tubbo was worried about him as well.  _

“Don’t worry about me.” His voice was firm. “Seriously! Tubbo, I’m fine. Look, let’s just wait for Phil and Wilbur to show up.”

-

It was a few minutes later, but the two arrived with a grin and a ruffle of Tommy’s hair, they all relaxed- well, until Phil spoke softly to Technoblade, who whispered something back. Tommy swallowed back anxiety and worry- at the situation, at the secrecy. 

“Tommy?” Phil places a hand on his shoulder in an almost caring way.

“Yeah, Phil?” 

“Are you okay?”

He scoffs, throwing on an aloof, yet happy air. “I’m fine. I don’t understand why you’re worried about me!” 

“Tommy-” 

“Seriously! Could you stop? I’m fine, damnit.” Tommy shrugs Phil’s hand off, annoyance in his tone. Phil and Techno look at each other- Wilbur and Tubbo were singing off to the side, far away enough that they didn’t hear anything. 

Technoblade, in that monotone voice of his, speaks. “You aren’t. You’re dying inside, aren’t you?” 

“No.” Tommy laughs softly, closing his eyes gently as the wind rushes by him- it’s soothing, almost. “I’m fine. I promise.” 

_ He was lying to himself. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> three chapters in one day. woah


	4. So This Is Not An Act Of Spite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was tired?
> 
> title from Wibur Soot's Losing Face

_ Tommy you can tell me anything.  _

That floated around in his head, and Tommy sighs, currently being crushed in the middle of a sleepy cuddle pile. 

_ No, he couldn’t.  _

He closes his eyes, humming softly. He wasn’t a good singer, by any means, but he still liked to do it. Techno stirs, groaning softly. “Wilbur…? You’re up already...?”

Tommy scoffs, a pang of sadness lancing through him at Techno’s words.  _ He wasn’t Wilbur- why would he say that?  _

“It’s Tommy.” 

“Oh…” 

_ Technoblade sounded disappointed, somehow. _

_ Oh. _

_ The numbness was back.  _

“Let me up. I’m hungry!” The blond whined in an attempt to deflect, and Techno rolled off him, landing on the floor with a thump. 

Which woke everyone else up.

-

Tommy thumped his head against the bathroom wall- he had gotten a moment’s respite from the chaos. Sighing, he looked at the object in his hand. It was a razor blade, but he wasn’t going to do anything with it!

It was just...reminding him that he could- he could  _ feel  _ something again. 

“Tommy?” Wilbur’s voice filtered through the door, and Tommy stiffened. “You’ve been in there a long time, are you alright?” 

“Y-yeah! I’m fine!” His voice stutters, and he curses under his breath as Wilbur opens the door- and he sees him. 

“Tommy, oh my god.” Wilbur’s brown eyes are wide, and his voice is filled with worry. “What were you- what were you doing?” 

“I wasn’t-! I was thinking about it! I wasn’t actually going to do it!” 

“Show me your arms.”

“W-what?” 

“Show me them.” 

_...Wilbur would be more suspicious if he didn’t show him- but he didn’t do anything, really!  _

Tommy rolled his eyes and stuck his arms out, letting Wilbur assess them. His basically older brother let out a soft sigh, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. 

“I gotta tell Phil about this.”

_ Why not his parents? Was it because Wilbur had a vibe that his parents wouldn’t care? _

“About what?” He scoffs again, half curling into a ball, his eyes focusing onto the ground. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Tommy. This is...concerning. You’ve been concerning us for a while.” Tommy let out a soft sigh, grinning at the brunette. 

“What is with you guys?! I’m fine!”

_...aside from the sleeplessness.  _

Wilbur didn’t seem convinced, but stood, extending a hand to Tommy, who pulled himself up.

“Okay, now give me the razor blade.” The blond hesitated for a moment, but handed it over.

“Wilbur?” His voice sounded small and weak, even to him. 

“Yes Tommy?” 

“Could I have a hug?” 

Wilbur smirks, and pulls him into a hug. 

_ Ah. This was- It would be okay, right? _


	5. I  Find Myself Salting The Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck off.
> 
> title from Wilbur Soot's Your Sister Was Right

Tommy sighed as the wind rushed by him. The group was standing on top of a building- he didn’t know which one, he wasn’t really paying attention. Humming softly, he leant over the railing, letting his head and arms hang over the side. The blond wasn’t really...meaning to worry Wilbur as he leant farther over the railing- but he did. 

A yelp, and a hand grabs at his shirt, and he turns to see Wilbur- who was scared. “Tommy...Tommy, what were you doing?” 

“The wind was nice on my face.” He slips an easy grin on his face. “Why?”

“Tommy…”  _ Oh. That was Tubbo.  _ “Don’t-” Their voice cracks, and the blond feels a stab of guilt, like a lightning bolt. “I was so scared.” 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry Big T.” Tommy laughs, hugging Tubbo tightly. “Didn’t mean to scare you.” 

-

“Tommy. We need to talk.” 

“About what…? I was fine. I knew what I was doing.” He grins at Phil, keeping up the cheery facade. 

“Tommy…” Phil’s voice dips into disappointment, and he winces internally. 

“No! I don’t understand why you guys keep talking to me about this! I’m fine!” He runs a hand through his hair, annoyance in his tone. He stands, moving towards the stairs. (They were staying in Wilbur’s house.) 

“Wilbur told us about the razor blade.” Tommy stops, a feeling of cold washing over him at Techno’s words. 

“I’m not talking about this.”

“Tommy, you’re not being safe!” 

Blue eyes close, and he sighs. “I wasn’t going to do anything. I told Wil that- gave him the blade too. I’m fucking  _ fine _ .” 

_ He didn’t want to talk about this _

-

The blond sighs, staring at his computer- well, Wilbur’s computer.

_ Fuck it. He’d start a stream. _

Booting up Twitch and Mincraft, he started the live -on his channel, this time- waiting for the viewers. 

_ Huh. Chat was asking if he was alright.  _

“I’m fine, chat!” Tommy lets out a sharp laugh. “I just have to be quiet because the rest of the Sleepy Boys are well- sleeping. Let’s cause mischief, huh?” 

_ This was nice. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also!! i am (mostly) no longer projecting onto Tommy- i just like angst!  
> im sorry this was so short :(


	6. Work A Formula To Cure Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's not okay. 
> 
> chapter title from Wilbur Soot's La Jolla

Tommy slumps in his seat at the table, rubbing his eyes.  _ He’s okay...right?  _ A soft, calloused hand ruffles his hair, and he smiles. “Hey Wil.” 

“Tommy.” Wilbur smiles softly, a grin on his face. “You good?”

His first thought is to say yes...but he hesitates, a brief moment where his walls cave, and he speaks. “...no...I don’t- I don’t think I am.” Tears streamed down his face, and he sniffled softly, as his breathing quickened.

_ Huh. Was this a panic attack? _

“Tommy, Tommy, breath with me.” 

“Tech-Techno?” His voice stutters in his chest, and the monotone voice murmurs softly. 

“Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8.” Technoblade places Tommy’s hand gently on his chest, so the younger can follow his breathing. 

The blond eventually calms down, although he still shook a bit. “Fuck…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Tommy.” Phil rested a heavy hand onto Tommy’s head, as a…grounding force, almost. “You’ve been holding this inside you all this time, it’s only natural for you to cry.” 

“Where’s Tubbo?” Tommy casts his gaze around for his best friend- who hugs him tightly. 

“Tommy! You have to talk to us! Please!” 

“You guys…” There’s a lump in his throat, and he swallows it back. “Yeah. I will.” 

“You promise?” 

Tommy laughs softly. “Yeah, Big T. I promise.” 

-

They were all streaming- as Phil had finally gotten whitelisted to the Dream SMP. As they roleplayed, and Wilbur kept on his villain arc, Tommy smiled, a soft, half hidden one. He missed this. 

“Tommy! Come on!” As the calls of his friends- no, family- filtered through his headset, the blond broke out into a true smile. 

“Okay, I’m coming!” 

_ Tommy was happy. He knew this for a fact. Sure, sometimes he’d slip back into numbness, but his family was there to help.  _

_ Life was good. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end??? already???   
> yeah!!
> 
> if you guys liked this, please go check my other fics- and maybe give me prompts for my next one!


End file.
